What fear have you conquered?

Whether or not it’s scientifically valid, there is no doubt that I have many of the traits that typify an introvert. My energy comes from within (I don’t need to be surrounded by others to bounce ideas off and develop my thinking). I am not especially comfortable if required to ‘think out loud’, and I need to make time to be quiet and solitary to recharge my batteries. Whether it’s part of a preference for introversion or something else, I have an irrational fear of having to engage socially in unfamiliar settings. Let’s call a spade a spade : I am small-talk phobic! And it’s a fear (or at least a source of acute anxiety) that I have come nowhere near to conquering.

I don’t think I’m a sociopath. I can sometimes summon up the courage to ‘do’ social engagement in new settings, but it comes at significant personal cost in terms of nervous energy; and it feels incredibly awkward. Perhaps worse than that, though, whenever I am in this situation, the script is replayed over and over in my mind for days afterwards, as I think of the clumsy ways that I interacted, and all the much more sophisticated things I could have said. It’s almost certainly rooted in a deep sense of imposter syndrome. And the double bind for an introverted imposter is that you are condemned not only to feeling incredibly anxious about new social situations in the first place, but also to replaying them in your head subsequently in a way that serves simply to reinforce your social inadequacy.

I know it’s irrational; and I know that most people find new social situations difficult to a greater or lesser degree. I know that I can do small-talk when all other options for avoidance have been ruled out, but the thing about deep-seated fears (phobias?) is that they persist in spite of all rational analysis. It’s why you’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties; or taking a particular interest in the paintings, statues or other decorative items in meeting rooms and assembly halls. It’s also why I’ll spend the three days afterwards mentally kicking myself on missing out on all the opportunities that I’ve passed up to meet new people or engage with in those missed conversations.

I don’t know if it’s a fear that I will ever be able to say that I’ve conquered, but at the start of a new year, I’ll commit to trying to be less afraid and to confront my anxieties with greater courage in the next twelve months!